For starters, I love a good love story. I found this specific story about Suvannamaccha and Hanuman and think it would be fun to put my own twist on it. Also, the idea of a mermaid is pretty cool in my opinion. I think I would put Hanuman through some hoops to win her affection, none of that nonsensical magic business. The second idea is going back to the storybook that I just read with the Jatakas. I thought that was a lot of fun rewriting. My writing didn't quite take the approach I originally intended for it to have, but that was the best part. I've also discovered that I'm better at writing really short stories and also enjoy that. Of course, I would have to pinpoint a particular story to rewrite, but I like this idea. To go back to the idea of a love story, I think it would be interesting to feature Kamadeva. If I used him, though, I think I would want him to be that main focus and not just a support character. Maybe he can meet his own lover? Or fall for someone
Hey Aleshia! Your website looks elegant! One thing you might try would be to change your links to be hidden. You can make it so the link is attached to a word or words so the reader doesn't have to look at all that hyperlink text. So for example you could write the words Comment Wall and make it so if you click on those words it will take you to your comment wall. The sentence that reads "Pradyumna is born and it becomes known that he will defeat Shambara, who decides to stop that by ridding of the baby." doesn't read very well. Maybe it could read "Pradyumna is born and it becomes known that he will defeat Shambara, who decides to stop that by getting rid of the baby." Your website looks awesome and your introduction is well written. I cannot wait to see the stories you put on your website.
ReplyDeleteHello Aleshia!
ReplyDeleteYour website is really elegant. I love the pictures you have chosen for the home page and the introduction page. Base on your introduction, I liked how detailed and thorough you were. The descriptions were spot on and the details flowed smoothly. You introduced a lot of people in the intro but manages to make it coherent and not confusing. I also loved how you preface your stories in the introduction and explained what they meant and how it ties together.
I want to suggest that since your website is so elegant you might want to try to hide your links. Instead of pasting the long links into the home page and making it look cluttered, you may want to try to link the website into a word so that people who visit can just click on the word and take them right to where you want them to be directed with the link.
Hello Aleshia! I really liked the theme you chose for the stories on your site. In the story I read from your site, Fulfilling His Destiny, there were a lot of things I really liked. I thought the way you structured the dialogue taking place between characters, was great. The tone of your story was casual, which made the conversation feel comfortable and easy to follow. I also liked the personality you gave Pradyumna. The theme of your story felt like it could’ve been a premise to a modern video game. It was engaging, easy to visualize, and it makes the reader want to “figure out” the characters. Your site was easy to navigate, and I liked how you provided a direct hyperlink to your comment wall at the end of the story page. The only suggestion I have to make is perhaps you should add a setting along with the timeline (ex., A few hours later, in the great hall). Awesome read!
ReplyDeleteAleshia, I enjoyed your introduction story. It was very cool to meet Pradyumna and it was nice to see how you set him up to talk about in the rest of your stories. I also enjoyed how you were playful with Pradyumna’s character. In the first paragraph he was flirty and seemed like a happy go lucky god. You were effective in your description of Pradyumna and his warrior like attitude. Of course that goes with how he has survived so much. Since he was flirty, it makes sense that he is the reincarnation of Kamadeva. You also introduced Shiva in a divine way. The fact that he simply just opened his eye and poof, he was gone was amazing. Remind me never to mess with Shiva while he is meditating. And indeed, poor Rati, she was promised to Pradyumna, but now he is no more. Through your description of their love, he is able to come back as Krishna. Very cool story!
ReplyDeleteHi Aleshia! I read your story Fulfilling His Destiny. Wonderful story! I immediately noticed your the separated lines for your sentences. I'm not sure if this is because you use a lot of quotes, but I liked it because it was atypical. The story was also well-written but easy to follow as a reader. The characters radiated playfulness, i.e. the flirting (a nice touch), which was the intent. My only suggestion would be to add more of a setting, like what someone above said. I didn't think this was a huge deal because I understand the story and you did kind of set it up in the kitchen in the beginning, being a more detailed in descriptions can help the reader visualize the story better. While for this story it wasn't a hinderance, your later stories will probably have more complex plots and characters. This can get more complicated for the reader to follow so clearly specifying where and what is happening will be important. Overall, great job and I look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteWWW Comment:
ReplyDeleteHey Aleshia,
It is really interesting that we are going to be introduced to another god in this class. We have been introduced to only a few gods and entities from the Ramayana and the Mahabharata. Therefore, it’s exciting that we are going to learn about a new god. I’ve heard of Kamadeva referenced before in other texts and readings, but I do not know his whole story or his different reincarnations. I liked your narration for the storybook’s introduction; it was definitely engaging. Also, I liked how you made Pradyumna a flirt in your story as it fit with his character. I thought it was interesting that Pradyumna only killed Shambara because Maya told him to and not for the intention of simply fulfilling his destiny. I wonder if Pradyumna would have reacted differently if actually knew the entire story of his origin and his destiny. Also, another thing that I noticed about the storybook was the spacing between the sentences in your story. I think might be easier to read the story if the sentences were a bit closer together. Overall, I really enjoyed your story.
Hi Aleshia,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I would like to say that I like that you put the link to your comment wall in the footer, so that it is available on every page. Its a really great idea! I like that you are introducing us to another god that we haven't seen.
The intro gives the necessary background information, but as part of the story, not just a lecture on the god. I noticed that it was written in first person. Is this the narrator as an outside character, Lemony Snicket style?
In the story A Hero's Adventures, I love that you gave us insights into the thoughts of Mayavati. I think those thoughts should be in quotes (Laura gave me this advice recently). I really loved this story. I like that you didn't give him all of the natural talent, setting up his motivation. It sets up the story and sums up this scene, while still giving us a reason to keep reading. I can't wait to read more of your work!
Hey Aleshia, I really liked your interpretation of this story! particularly, I thought the light you painted Pradyumna in is going to make for some super dynamic interactions with other characters as his identity as a hero grows. I would love to get more insight into to how Shiva saved Pradyumna and what the terms of that rescue were. I'm always a sucker for a good origin story and it seems like there's a lot of creative opportunity here! I also really liked your added initial trial of Pradyumna to slay Shambara, however I would love to have a little more detail in their fight. I know the idea is to have the underdog win but what if there was some divine intervention from Shiva to turn the tides of the battle? I really love the dynamic between Pradyumna and Maya and having her conceal her name to work in the kitchen was a really cool way to incorporate another element to play with as you expand on your story! Super awesome job, I can't wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteHi Aleshia,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I thought your home page an website as a whole was very nice and organized looking! I was especially drawn to your site by it's home page and the eye catching single question of just "Bravery?". It to me made your story feel like it will be a true adventure to say the least. Going on and reading the first story of what was the intro was at first a little confusing but all made since once you explained the influence of Shiva on the life of Kamadeva. I am not only interested on continuing to learn about how Kamadeva, who turns into Pradyumna, but also how he realized that the lady who is raising him is also his wife! What a wild scenario! At this point nothing really surprising about the world of india Epics and the twists and turns in peoples relationships.
Hi Aleshia!
ReplyDeleteThat picture is quite intriguing. I noticed a pattern of bright colored skin on gods and goddesses and those who are their reincarnates. I have never heard about Pradyumna. How did you come across him? So far, I am really enjoying Pradyumna's personality! He seems like quite a stand up guy (haha); I just feel bad that he got incinerated by Shiva while he was meditating. One thing that I was curious about was Mayavati. You said that she is a reincarnate of Rati, who is the wife of Kamadeva, who Pradyumna is reincarnated from. Rati said that she promises to marry him in a new life, but in that new life, how does Mayavati know that it is her destiny to raise Pradyumna? Also, another question I had, simply out of curiousity, was how old is Mayavati when she first meets Pradyumna? Since she is raising him, it sounds like there is quite an age gap LOL.
Hi Aleshia!
ReplyDeleteI really like the way you showed Pradyumna's wit. In your introduction, you said that he was a comical character, and I think you did a great job in showing his humor during his conversation with Mayavati. Your story was definitely progressed quickly. It also seemed very easy for Mayavati to convince Pradyuma to kill Shambara. It also seemed very easy for Pradyumna to kill Shambara. How did he, a servant boy, kill the man that runs the palace? I wonder the process of how that happened. Did he secretly learn to wield swords or Mayavati teach him? A supporting detail that may add more background to your story is to explain what kind of problems Shambara is creating. So far, the reader only know that he may have done some bad deeds, but what truly makes him problematic enough for Shiva to reincarnate Kamadeva to kill him?
Aleshia,
ReplyDeleteIt was reallly fascinating reading your story (I'm from the mythology&folklore section), as I don't have a lot of prior experience with Indian Epics. What I really appreciated from what you have so far is how well you reinterpret traditional stories in a modern way. Even though you're telling stories of gods and mythical beings, you make them somehow relatable, like the reader is going through these crazy experiences with the characters! Your characterization of Maya and Pradyumna is really clever; you bring out their individual personalities very well. While your content speaks for itself, I think you could use more design elements to strengthen the continuity of your website in general. Your first and last pages so far have a sunset background (orange/black) and white text, but your introduction doesn't have a banner image at all, and your second chapter is also different from the rest. I think a little more uniformity on each title slide (since that is the first thing the reader sees) would make the website a bit more connected between the chapters. You're off to a great start! I can't wait to see how the story progresses!
Hi Aleshia,
ReplyDeleteI commented earlier but I just read your latest story. The wife of Pradyumna story is intense. I could understand the tension she felt and the relief Shiva provided. I thought the text was easy to read and I liked the spacing of it- very conversational. I also though the "uh you look like shiva", "i am shiva" dialogue was funny lol. This might just be me personally- but I felt their relationship wasn't very genuine- what I mean is that they're together because they're supposed to, but not because they love each other? I know this present in many of these ancient tales we've read, but it kind of sucks for Maya she has to deal with his mess because they're meant to be. I also like that how we are continuously getting insight to his playful personality- I remember this from last time. My only suggestion is maybe giving more insight into why Pradyumna cares to find her. We know Shiva tells him she is his destiny, but why does he care that much to find her? Would they not naturally attract if so? He wants to find her because he values destiny (at the very least), so maybe expanding on this. I look forward to more!
Hi Aleshia,
ReplyDeleteWell, I have a lot to say about this. I want to start by commending your proper use of third person limited perspective. Your stories aren't perfectly consistent, and I can't tell if you're doing it deliberately, or if its the natural result of your own optimization, but its helps makes the story more readable than it otherwise would have been.
However, I find that the storybook as a whole lacks cohesion and direction. The stories don't seem to connect to each other much and the scenes in each individual story are disconnected from each other. The storybook also lacks direction; it feels like you're writing for the sake of having words on a page, not because you find the overall story to be compelling or worth telling. This is magnified when compared to the stories that you do enjoy telling, namely the romance scene at the end of the third story. That section feels like something that you wanted to write, and you wanted to write it because romantic passion is quite compelling when told well, but the rest of your stories lack this.
The second story was also decently funny in the beginning, I liked that. Overall, your technical execution is good, if a bit over-reliant on exposition, but I feel like this is one of the rare samples from this class where the story idea is the weakest aspect.
Hi Aleshia,
ReplyDeleteI do appreciate that you had a separate introduction section to explain who Pradyumna is. I was a bit confused at first because Pradyumna is the reincarnation of Kamadeva, but later on you mentioned Pradyumna is the son of Krishna. I am just a little confused as to how the dynamic works. Your second story was interesting, but I felt it was a tad rushed because in one moment, Mayavati explains everything to Pradyumna about who he is and what is destiny is. I feel like this could have been elaborated on and we could have also seen more of a reaction from Pradyumna. I think the reveal of his destiny would have been more powerful if he cut her off mid-sentence and we saw his initial reaction about everything.
Hi Aleshia,
ReplyDeleteI just wrapped up going through your portfolio and checking out your stories but payed a really close attention to the images. Thus far your website is definitely one of my favorites in the class! I love how on the home page the image takes up the entire screen. There is no boring white space left. The image chosen also led you to become very curious as to what was in store. With the homepage and the second and third stories the images were all displayed the same, large with the titles over them. I thought this theme was really cool and so in the introduction you might think about carrying the same layout out. Another look you might carry throughout your website is either having all the images kind of faded or bold like the intro story and third.
Hi Aleshia! I really enjoyed reading your take on the stories of Pradyumna. You have an interesting writing style that works well here in my opinion. Honestly, I could see this being a short book... I'm also glad you included your author's notes. I didn't need them to understand the plot, but they do provide some great background information. I haven't read Pradyumna: Son of Krishna, so I wasn't sure how much was yours and how much was already a part of the story. However, your Author's notes clarify many of the changes you applied, such as Pradyumna's "flirting attitude" (which adds a nice dynamic) and I also liked how you took some inspiration from the Avengers. Something I kind of want to know is *why* you chose to write about Pradyumna. Like, did it really stick out to you so you thought it would be a good choice to write about? It's not that significant, I'm just curious. I'm looking forward to the next part and finding out why Krishna left the room!
ReplyDeleteHi~
ReplyDeleteI specifically came over to your storybook from the recommendation of our professor. I'm glad I was directed here instead of fate randomly assigning me! Last week I published a story from the point of view of an Ashoka tree. Kamadeva plays an important role so of course Pradyumna had to make an appearance!
I really like the tone of your storybook. It's similar to how I made the Ashoka tree sound; if we ever need to co-write something I think we'd kill it. It's interesting how Kamadeva/Pradyumna just immediately bring out feelings of amusement.
The only thing I might suggest is adding Parvati in the story along with Shiva. I think she was instrumental along with Rati in getting Kamadeva reincarnated. It could be funny to have Parvati and Shiva scheming to get Mayavati and Pradyumna together.
I'm sad this class is ending right when I've found such a good storybook! If you write a Pradyumna/Mayavati fanfic send me the link(:
Hi Aleshia!
ReplyDeleteI really like the design throughout your entire website. I like the fluidity of it as well as it feels like your flipping through pages of a book instead of web pages within a website. The navigation on the website is also well done. I was able to easily navigate through each web page. The images you picked for each page were also very good. They help to keep the reader immersed in the story you are creating on each web page. The only thing I would change would be the size of your link to your comment wall. This is because I completely didn't see it when I first went through each webpage on your website. If you just change the size of the font to the same size of the font as the rest of the website I think that would help the future readers out a lot.