Week 7 Story: The Battle
Grasp your sword and draw it quickly from your sheath. The shining metal glints in the sunshine as you wave it above your head. Show the enemy you aren't afraid to use it. War has been waged and you must see it through. You have pledged your life for the cause. You take a deep breath, remember that you may not keep that breath as the battle ensues.
As you enter the throng of enemies by the side of your ally, your sword pierces through flesh. You feel their gasp as they cry out in shock as the metal bites into their neck. Hardly a second passes as their head begins to topple off of their body. It falls, but you don't have time to ponder about the breath you just took. You don't even have time to watch the body crumble into a heap, lifeless onto the ground. On to the next enemy.
For a second you think of the lives that are being wasted over a hardened evil heart. But only for a second. It's fight or flight. Running as a coward is not an option. You hear a shrill scream and then a booming yell as someone musters up the courage to charge and face yet another enemy. You might be screaming. At this point, you don't know what noises are coming from where, but the sounds of clanging, heavy breathing, and cries surround you.
Author's note: I was not intending to write like this, but it happened. I switched up the point of view to second-person, which I have never done in any of my writing before. I tried to recreate the battlefield, and that's probably on the only part that is even close to the original that I had in mind. The 'you' is just a random soldier in the battle, I didn't really have anyone in particular in mind. I just ended up trying to describe what it would be like to be a part of the battle.
Story Source: Indian Myth and Legend by Donald A. Mackenzie
Krishna and Arjuna on the Battlefield
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ReplyDeleteWow this is a very descriptive passage! I really enjoyed how you made it feel like the reader was there. I felt like I could really imagine and visualize what was happening. I think you also added more in-depth analysis than the actual story had such as "you pledged you life for the cause." I also enjoyed how you made the solider talk to himself because I think a lot of us would question this, knowing we might face death. Great Work!
ReplyDeleteHowdy Aleshia,
ReplyDeleteI first want to say, I loved the use of the human senses. Not only did I have a perfect image of what was happening in my head, but I felt as if I was in the scene. I felt as though I was feeling the ground shake in real life, when I read your first sentence. I felt as though I was in a cloud of dust, when I read your second sentence. Overall, this story was awesome, and the imagery was absolutely insane. Well done!
Hey Aleshia,
ReplyDeleteI think you did an amazing job of making this story so descriptive. You orchestrate outstanding instances of imagery that truly made me feel the intensity of the battlefield. I also noticed how well you choose your words. Phrases like "throng of enemies" and "heads begin to topple off of their bodies" simply added creativity that helped make the story so unique.
Joanna
Dang, this was beautiful. The rhymes, the descriptive narrative...it all fits together so wonderfully. You say it just happened, and I totally believe you. Sometimes when writing we get into a rhythm and when we continue it something beautful like this can come out of it. The second person is strange, but not too hard to get used to. You say you tried to recreate the battlefield, well good job I say because it felt like i was there.
ReplyDelete